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The 5 Stages Of Drunkeness
Stage 1 - CLEVER
This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the
known universe.
You KNOW you know everything and you want to pass on your knowledge
to anyone who will listen.
At this stage you are always RIGHT. And, of course, the person you
are talking to is very WRONG.
This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are CLEVER.
Stage 2 - GOOD LOOKING
This is when you realise that you are the BEST LOOKING person in the
Entire bar and that people fancy you.
You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing that they fancy you and
really want to talk to you.
Bear in mind that you are still CLEVER, so you can talk to this
person about any subject under the sun.
Stage 3 - RICH
This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world.
You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an armoured
truck full of money parked behind the bar.
You can also make bets at this stage, because of course you are still
CLEVER so, naturally, you will win all your bets.
It doesn't matter how much you bet because you are RICH.
You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, because you are
now the BEST LOOKING person in the world.
Stage 4 - BULLET-PROOF
You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone, especially
those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because
nothing can hurt you.
At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people who
you fancy and challenge them to a battle of wits or money.
You have no fear of losing this battle, because you are CLEVER,
you're RICH and Hell you're BETTER LOOKING than them anyway!
Stage 5 - INVISIBLE
This is the final stage of drunkenness.
At this point you can do anything, because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU.
You can dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy because
the rest of the people in the room cannot see you.
You can also snog the face off them because the rest of the people in
the room cannot see you.
You are also INVISIBLE to the person who wants to fight you.
You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs
because no one can see or hear you and because you're still CLEVER you
know ALL the words.
THE FIVE STAGES OF HANGOVERS
Stage 1 - STUPID
As you regain consciousness and begin to enjoy a flood of sensations
only dimly remembered from previous hangovers, such as the pneumatic
drill headache, cloying nausea and Guinness/Tetley's/Bailey's/(add
tipple most consumed night before) two-step, you realise that you have
lost not only several hours of your life but the ability to concentrate
on anything.
You are now officially STUPID and will probably stay STUPID until you
get onto your third bacon sandwich.
Stage 2 - UGLY
Never entirely happy with the comic effects of the bathroom mirror
first thing you are horrified to discover that you have now become even
less attractive than you thought previously possible.
Not only has the combined effect of the booze and smoky/sweaty
atmosphere given you a glorious collection of spots but you've either
left your makeup on over-night or are shaking so much that you now look
like you've shaved with a sanding block!
Unfortunately you are still too STUPID to know better than to try and
shave whilst shaking or to remember the necessary beauty tips to paper
over the cracks.
Stage 3 - POOR
Having crawled out of bed and got dressed you are about to shamble out
the door when you discover that the money you got from the cash point
to last you the week is now missing from your wallet.
Being STUPID, you have no idea what happened to it but the smell of
curry on your coat/duvet leads you to suspect that you may have treated
an entire rugby team to curry and lagers at some point.
Alternatively your pocket will have been picked or you will have
given the taxi driver a 20/50? note by mistake.
Rationalising that you couldn't possibly have been that STUPID and
that you would remember being mugged, you come to believe that you were
the only one who bought any drinks all night and start to loathe all humanity.
Stage 4 - MADE OF GLASS
As you are now a STUPID, UGLY and poor sociopath, you embody most of
the characteristics you hate in other people and your self respect
plummets.
Your already fragile physical condition is made worse by this until
you think you are likely to melt or shatter if handled at all roughly.
Stage 5 - CIRCUS FREAK
Luckily, any non-hungover person can spot this condition and its cause
from a great distance.
Even better, they know that they can complete your misery by parading
you in front of your colleagues/family/friends, shouting at you and
insisting that you drink things with whole eggs and Worcestershire
sauce in or eat greasy food as "its the only thing that will make you
feel better".
You are too STUPID to know where to hide and too conspicuously UGLY
to get away with it, too poor to buy Alka-Seltzer and too fragile to hit
them.
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